This is a transcript of the original video available on YouTube: 1st Monthly Q&A Session – May 20th, 2022
“DGL: “How do we set up a morning routine to happily start the day and feel fulfilled at the end of the day?”
What do you think, Jetsunma-la, how do we accomplish that?
JTP: I think first of all, we have to make a commitment to ourselves to get up early enough to set time for some formal practice. Unless we get into a routine, it’s not really going to work. Our practice gets less and less and less and then tapers off. So we make a commitment. We’re going to get up at such and such of time, which will give us the space to have a formal practice.
In the context of our formal practice, we can make aspirations for that day to cultivate our kindness and awareness. If we are Buddhists, we start by taking refuge in The Three Jewels. Then, we set up our aspiration to train our mind in order to be of genuine benefit for all other beings. That sets our motivation.
Then, we do whatever practice we are used to doing. As we finish our formal practice, we make the determination that we’re going to use the day to benefit others, not just ourselves, and to transform our negative emotions, like anger, greed and jealousy, into positive ones. We determine we’re really going to work on that. That’s the work we’re going to do, not just during our formal sitting but throughout the day. We are going to transform our day into our Dharma practice.
In the early morning you could also read a little inspirational literature to set the mind in the right space. At night before going to sleep it’s also good to read just a bit of something which inspires our mind so that we can sleep with pure thoughts and a good heart. That’s also very helpful for waking up with a good motivation.
I think as beginners, we shouldn’t make the sessions too long. If the sessions are too long it becomes a burden. We will feel: Oh god, I’ve got to sit and do this. So keep it short, but during that time, however long, whether it be 10, 20, 30 or 40 minutes, make the determination that we’re giving this time for our inner being. The rest of the day may be for outer activities, but this is our time, and we’re not going to play around. We can say to ourselves: Come on, mind, get yourself together. Concentrate for once. That’s why it’s helpful in the beginning to keep it short, but clear and vivid, rather than long and wandering all over the place. The most important thing is our determination and commitment that this is our special time, and we’re going to keep to it.
DGL: “How do I stop wasting so much time worrying? How do I let go of worries, which consume my daily life and in turn ruin the present moment? How do I stop letting others’ actions bother me? How do I get rid of my expectations?”
JTP: First of all, just relax. Why tense up? Just relax — the past is gone, the future hasn’t come, and what is happening in this moment, now that’s the question. In this moment, what is happening? It’s all practice. So many of these questions assume that we just need some technique and snap, everything changes. But it’s not like that. We have to practise and practise and practise, like with any skill, until finally it becomes innate within us. If we are able to deal with the present moment, we can deal with the future. The skill to develop is to be poised right here and now. How are we relating in this moment, at this time? If we learn how to be skilful in the present, then the future will take care of itself, and we don’t have to worry at all.
We all need to try to be more conscious, more aware, and not get stuck in everything. We need to allow things to just pass. If you are doing formal meditation, it would be useful to look at the mind and see the repeated patterns of worry and anxiety. If we are able to see that these are just learned habits that the mind has gotten into, then we can begin to relax these patterns and change the way we’re thinking. Our worry arises because we’re trapped in our thought patterns. So we need to step back and observe those thought patterns without identifying with them. Some people have anger patterns. Some people have greed patterns. Nowadays, people especially have worry patterns.
I would also say cut down intensively on media intake, which is generally all negative. Don’t watch the news all the time, because the news is always going to be bad. Don’t absorb all the newspapers, which are also full of very negative news. Don’t do that.
As far as other people are concerned, we don’t need to always react to how other people act. That’s their problem, not ours. Inwardly, we should be relaxed, allow others to be how they are, and allow things to slide off us, making our mind like a non-stick Teflon pan. We shouldn’t let everything inside of us heat up more and more like a pressure cooker. We shouldn’t become pressure cooker minded. We should allow things to just move and not judge so much. People are people. Just let them be how they are. We cannot change others. But we can change ourselves — the only change we can hope for is to change our own response to other peoples’ actions. That we can do.
We can view it like a rerun of some TV show: Oh no, not that one again. We are always endlessly recycling the same old situations and the same old responses. So let’s change the channel. Let’s cultivate a less judgmental mind, more compassion, more kindness and a good sense of humour. I think it’s very important to really smile at ourselves and smile at others.
DGL: “If I were to die right now, let’s say with a heart attack or a sudden accident, which would be the best practice to rely upon?”
JTP: I love that question. Quite frankly, if one was to die immediately, it’s a bit too late to think about practice! But, having said that, this reminds me of something that happened at Dongyu Gatsal Ling Nunnery. One time, we had a truckload of small nuns in the back of our open truck, and the truck overturned. All the nuns were thrown onto the road. Later, one nun said that as she was tossed out of the truck onto the road, she thought, “This is it. Finished.” Guru Rinpoche and her delight in being a nun flashed in her mind, and then she lost consciousness. She surrendered to Guru Rinpoche right before she thought she was going to die because she had devotion to him in her life. (She survived, of course, as she lived to tell this story.) At the moment of death, what spontaneously arises in your mind is what you’ve been practising during your life. This is the point.
In the Chinese Mahayana tradition, they say Amituofo (Chinese for Amitabha Buddha) for everything. When they meet, when they say goodbye, when they say thank you, and whenever anything happens, they say Amituofu. They are always invoking Amitabha Buddha so that if they die suddenly, their first thought will be of Amituofo. Then Amitabha Buddha will come. When Gandhi was shot and killed, as he died, he said, “Ram, Ram!” He called on the god Ram because he was a devotee of Ram. So it seems that was his last thought.
Therefore, the important thing during our life is to focus on our object of devotion so that at the moment of dying it will spontaneously come to our mind. We can’t suddenly think of something that we haven’t thought about much in our lifetime. We can’t hope for that. We have to train ourselves now, so that at the time of death we will be prepared. So that’s the point. Get ready now. That’s what our life is for — to practise for death.
DGL: That’s beautiful, Jetsunma-la. The Pali word for meditation, bhavana, which literally means “familiarisation”, takes on a profound meaning in this context. I’m reminded that we can familiarise our mind with different objects of meditation (a mantra, image, being and so forth) through both formal and informal meditation; and through this consistent application of familiarisation, the objects of our meditation can deeply penetrate our being.
JTP: Exactly that. Then whatever we familiarise ourselves with will spontaneously arise, which could lead to Liberation at the time of death.
DGL: Beautiful. We can hope for that.
JTP: We can all hope!
DGL: “If we see someone mistreating someone else due to their own afflictions, is there a way to interfere without creating any negative karma for anyone involved?”
JTP: We need to deal with situations like that with both wisdom as well as compassion. This is really a challenge. We need insight into just how to deal with someone’s negative emotions, especially anger, without creating more aggression and harm. That’s the challenge.
Of course compassion itself can be very strong and fearless, but it needs a clarity to understand how best to act in these situations. For example, in traditional iconography Avalokiteshvara, The Bodhisattva of Compassion, has a thousand arms to reach out to help, and each hand has an eye. He understands how to act most opportunely in each situation so as not to make it even worse. That’s why we need both wisdom and compassion in these situations.
DGL: It sounds beautiful, Jetsunma-la. I think it’s very hard to apply this metaphor, especially if we haven’t cultivated skilful means, but…
JTP: …it is very hard, and that’s why we should be careful not to make the situation even worse.
DGL: Would you say that sometimes it’s better to not intervene and just watch our own minds, seeing how things play out, instead of jumping into a situation where we may not have control?
JTP: These situations need delicacy, as well as strength, in order to really understand how the situation can be benefited by our stepping in. Otherwise we could end up making it worse.
What to do? Life isn’t that simple.
DGL: The next question is very short but I think not so easy. “Is suffering the only way to purify karma?”
JTP: First of all, karma can be good as well as bad. We have good karma and bad karma. Not just “karma”. When difficult situations do arise such as loss or sickness, we usually ascribe that to unskilful actions from the past. So we think: Oh, bad karma. But if we take this suffering onto the path, then we can learn a lot from it. So much of the Lojong (Mind Training) teachings are about how to take the results of negative karma and transform them into a very powerful practice. It’s not all bad. This approach transforms suffering into a spiritual benefit, actually.
But in any case, in the Vajrayana, there are also purification practices such as Vajrasattva, Nyungne (which includes a fasting practice), recitation of the Confession to the Thirty Five Buddhas, and so on. These are specifically to help purify past negative karma.
Honestly and truthfully, this is samsara. Of course everything is not going to be perfect. How can it be? Samsara, by its very nature, is not comfortable. Nor is it always in accordance with our ego’s wishes. Things are going to happen the way they’re going to happen, however we want to plan it in a different way. We have to work with what comes, skilfully, and not categorise it: Oh this is bad karma, and this is good karma. This is just what’s happening. How can I respond skilfully and take all of this happiness and sadness onto the path?
DGL: Thank you, Jetsunma-la. Is there a difference between mere suffering and purifying through suffering? Does the intention to purify have a role to play in that?
JTP: Of course if you’re doing purification practices like Vajrasattva, then definitely the intention is to clear away a lot of the backlog, as much as possible. But apart from that, when things are difficult, it’s most often difficult because our mind is telling us it’s difficult. We could change the message and say to ourselves, “This is something which is trying to teach me something. What can I learn from this situation? What is the cause of the suffering?”
Often the cause of our suffering is our attachment, grasping and unrealistic ideas of how things should be. Instead, we could open up and accept how things actually are. It’s up to us to learn. Either we can make a double suffering — of not only the outer situation, but also our unskilful response to that situation — or we can take that difficult outer situation and transform it into a very powerful practice. It’s up to us. In the end, everything depends on our own inner attitude. So we have to change our attitude.
DGL: That’s very encouraging, Jetsunma-la, thank you.
JTP: It’s not so easy to change your attitude, actually. It’s easier said than done. We are very habituated to our own inner comfort, and so it’s difficult to change. But we can do it. That’s the good thing. Everything is possible.
DGL: “In general, it seems to me that Dharma practice and wanting satisfaction in relationships are incompatible. How can I reconcile these two?”
JTP: Our relationships are by no means an obstacle for us to practise Dharma. We can use our relationships with our family, our loved ones and our colleagues to cultivate Ethics, Generosity, Patience, and all the other Paramitas. Developing these qualities are essential for the path, and relationships are the place where we develop them. Therefore we need other people.
It’s essential to make our daily life into a Dharma practice, as much as we possibly can, so that the worldly life and Dharma become one. Throughout the day, we must really try to be more mindful, aware and kind. Every breath we take with awareness is a Dharma practice. So there’s no dissonance between the two. As long as we are conscious, we can be practising.
DGL: “If one is new to Buddhism, how should one find a Lama/Guru/Teacher? What about finding the right Sangha?”
JTP: I think if one is new to Buddhism then one should start by reading some basic Dharma books and watching online presentations by good teachers. These days there’s a lot online which is very authentic. Good teachers nowadays, unfortunately for us, are usually surrounded by many students. So it’s very difficult to imagine that you’re going to get a one-on-one relationship with some famous teacher. But there are many teachers out there who people don’t know about. There are so many approaches, so look around and see what feels right for you. There isn’t one single path or one single Lama who is the right one for everybody. Every different person has different needs and resonate with different approaches. So don’t jump into the first thing on offer, unless it feels right for you. That’s the point.
One doesn’t have to have just one teacher actually. You can benefit from many different approaches, until you find not only a Teacher but also a Sangha around him or her that inspires you and in which you feel confident. Some people think that you should only have one main Teacher and you mustn’t ever look at anybody else, as if you’re getting married. But in actual fact it’s not always like that. The teachers themselves have many teachers. His Holiness the Dalai Lama often says that he has 25 teachers. He puts them all on his Refuge Tree. He’s very grateful to them all; he sees them with great respect for everything he learned from all of them. So don’t be afraid to look around and learn from everybody, whatever is necessary. Don’t be anxious.
A lot of the foundational practices we can do ourselves. For example, there are wonderful teachings on basic Shamatha (Calm Abiding) and how to arouse Bodhichitta (the mind which yearns for Enlightenment to be of benefit for all beings). These practices are going to stand us in very good stead. We don’t necessarily need one-on-one instruction for these; we can do the foundations ourselves. If you hear about some meditation course or teachings over the weekend, you can go and get personal guidance, but the important thing is to keep an open mind and appreciate that all the approaches are good approaches. We just need to eventually find the one which especially strikes a chord within us. But don’t be anxious. Also, you can pray to all the buddhas and bodhisattvas to help you on the path; you can pray that as you need it, the right instruction comes at the right time.
DGL: Wonderful. And what about the Sangha, Jetsunma-la, finding wise companionship?
JTP: If you find a Lama, they probably have students. One of the things to look at, in fact, when you are looking to commit yourself to a Teacher, is whether you like the people around them; especially the senior students often reflect the attitude of the Teacher. Would you want to be like them? That is also an important consideration. This is where the Guru is leading them. Is that where you want to go?
In the meantime, find people who are spiritually inclined and have good values. They might not even necessarily be Buddhists. The Buddha praised good companionship and taught on the importance of surrounding oneself with good friends. They don’t necessarily have to be card-carrying Buddhists. They could just be good people, and those are the kind of people we should hang out with. You can also meet up with many people through Zoom nowadays. People in different countries have a common interest, and they make a commitment to meet regularly, making these little groups on Zoom. So nowadays we can also make use of technology.
DGL: Please allow me to follow up a little bit on this one. This question resonated a lot with me. When I was starting with Buddhism, as you know, in Bolivia we didn’t have much to go with. So I started looking for sources from all over and ended up listening to people from different traditions — Zen, Theravada and Tibetan. Connected to this question of finding a teacher and a Sangha but also looking for what resonates with oneself, do you think it’s really necessary or important to follow just one thing? Or can we take the Buddha’s teachings in their more essential and open form? Because after all, across Theravada, Zen, Chan and Tibetan Buddhism, we’re all Buddhists. What do you think about that?
JTP: I think it’s very important to have a certain set practice and path that you are following. But within that you can also complement it with other approaches. For example, when I would go to America, I would often be invited to give talks in Zen centres. I would say, “Well, what do you want me to talk about? Because I can’t talk about meditation in a Zen Centre.” They would say, “No, no. That part, the wisdom side, we have. What we need is the compassion and devotion side. We don’t have such strong teachings on that and the Tibetans do. So please, could you talk about that side which we’re lacking?”
I talked about compassion and devotion, upon request, in a number of Zen centres. People afterwards would come up and say, “That’s just what we needed to hear. Because if we’re not careful, we tend to be up in the head, but where is the heart?” They’re still very committed to their Zen practice, but they also have some additional basic practices for developing devotion and compassion, which enhance their central practice. So that’s the point. I think we need a central path and practice, but then we can take from others to enhance and deepen our appreciation of that practice.
DGL: “I’ve noticed how the small self can seize even Tonglen (Giving and Taking) practice and use it for self-enhancement. It says, ‘I’m breathing in all your sorrows and pain, have no fear. Let me, I can handle it all.’ Even with such a seemingly comforting and supporting statement, a strengthened ego seems to arise. How can we handle this?”
Jetsunma-la, for this question, could you please briefly describe Tonglen practice, for those who don’t know?
JTP: Tonglen literally means giving and taking. It’s a practice in which we visualise someone who is suffering and use the breath to take in suffering and send out healing. We take in their suffering in the form of dark smoke on the in-breath, and then we transform that into a white light that we send out to relieve them of their suffering on the out-breath. We take in the suffering and its causes and we breathe out healing and well-being. This in and out rhythm synchronises with the breath. It’s a very important practice for overcoming the ego.
We have to start from where we are, which is with the ego. Who wants to be egoless? The ego. The ego is saying, “Yes, now I’m going to be egoless.” First, we have to be aware, like the person asking this question, of the ego’s need to take control. Just relax and smile at it. That desire of the ego is in itself just empty. We shouldn’t take it too seriously. The ego itself is empty. It’s not a real entity. That’s our mistake.
When doing the practice, if the ego really believed it would receive all the pain and sorrow of another, it would be terrified. So at the moment, you’re just playing with the idea, and it doesn’t seem real. Therefore, the self feels enhanced, “There I am, taking on the sorrows of the world.” But imagine deeply taking on the sickness of someone you really know and care about — taking that from the depths of your being. Imagine that their sickness comes on you, like a mother with an only child.
The Buddha himself said, “Just as a mother loves her child, her only child.” He used that as an example for loving kindness and compassion because that’s the most pure love — the mother would do anything to relieve her child from suffering. She would be happy to take on that suffering. Awhile back, we visited this cancer hospital for children in Bombay where we saw these little children with cancer attended by their mothers. The mother would give anything to take that sickness onto herself. She would rejoice, if she could take that sickness and the child would be cured. That’s not ego. That’s genuine compassion. That’s what we’re aiming for.
So just keep going, until the heart really bursts open.
DGL: “A question on inspiration. As an artist, I come to a state where I’m just listening to my inner voice, bypassing the brain. My mind is completely empty and calm. Can this be some form of meditative state? How can one approach and develop this?”
JTP: Yes, I think that’s a really interesting question. I would start by mentioning a book I read, which was written by a wealthy American gentleman in the 19th century. In those days, wealthy, cultured Americans would go to Europe and buy up all the art. I think he was probably a theosophist. He went to Europe and he met with all the really famous, top artists and musicians of those days, like Auguste Rodin, Anton Bruckner, Johannes Brahms and these type of people.
He asked them, “What is your state, when you are composing or painting the work which is then viewed by others as being a work of genius?”
Their responses, although each one unique, had the same theme, which is really interesting: “It’s when we drop the ego. When we are working with our brain and our conceptual mind, then the work we produce is very routine — just the same old stuff. But if we can let that go and relax, then from a deep inner source comes this whole other creation which is beyond the ego.”
They don’t have to direct the work; it just comes up from within. Then later, people look at that and say, “Oh, that’s brilliant.” But it was not them that was making it; it was something beyond the self, beyond the ego. This is genuine creation. Otherwise, you’ve learned how to do something, and it’s nice, so you just keep repeating the same old thing. When we’re able to drop the ego, then we can access this level of consciousness that is free, natural and truly creative. This is where genuine artistic genius lies. They all agreed on that.
It probably doesn’t help to want it too much, because that is just the ego grasping again, which is the problem in the first place. So inwardly, I think it helps to just relax and allow the joy of creation to arise on its own will. You can’t programme it. Sorry, but I think the only way is to allow the mind to be completely open and relaxed. You could invite the connection to consciousness beyond the ego, perhaps, but don’t grasp, because if we are always hoping for a certain mind state, that in and of itself creates the block. The ego blocks the creativity within ourselves. So just relax. At the beginning, it takes an effort to be effortless. But in the end, the thing is just to allow this to happen and to give space.
Good luck! It’s beautiful the person who asked the question has access to this — that’s very good — but it’s important not to allow it to become another ego projection. And don’t worry when it does. Just relax. Sometimes it comes, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s not something you can programme.
DGL: One very interesting thing came to mind just now, hearing you talk, Jetsunma-la. Even when we’re operating from our conceptual mind, it seems like a piece of art created from an egoless place has the possibility of piercing through our layers of concept to our own Buddha Nature. Would you agree?
JTP: Oh yes. When you hear great music, you know it’s great music. You might not be a musician, but it hits you straight at the heart. I remember listening to the second movement of Mozart’s Violin Concerto No. 4 — I had no idea about Mozart, but it was like falling in love. I thought: If there’s music in heaven, this is it. It was so beautiful! Beyond words. It hit at the level beyond conceptual thinking.
This is also the case when seeing great visual art. When I lived in Italy for a few years I didn’t know much about any artists. I knew Da Vinci, Raphael and Michelangelo, and that was about it. But I would see a painting or a work of sculpture and be blown away. Wow! When I had this reaction, the piece was always from a well-known artist that I had never heard of, but then I’d learn that actually, he’s very famous, like Fra Angelico or Piero della Francesca. Out of all the mediocre art, suddenly the piece of genius would just hit me. It had nothing to do with being an art connoisseur; the reaction arose from coming face-to-face with someone else’s great creative genius. This hits you, at your own deeper level. That’s with great art, great music, great anything — it bypasses the conceptual thinking mind.
DGL: “How do we cultivate devotion? Is it possible to develop at all, or is devotion and faith something given, something karmically conditioned that you either have or don’t?”
JTP: Devotion can be cultivated by appreciating the exceptional qualities of the object of our faith. Some races like Asians and maybe Latin people have a capacity for devotion because they seem to have a closer connection with their heart emotions. But we can all practise opening the heart, which we do through faith and devotion. An open heart is how blessings are received. We have to recognise how important this is — if we want blessings, we have to open up our heart. The way that Buddhism has been transplanted in the West often bypasses faith and devotion and it becomes very cerebral almost, all up in the brain. We need very much to bring our practice down into a much deeper level of consciousness, which is opened through our faith and devotion.
How do we develop faith and devotion? We think of the object of our devotion and really appreciate why it’s special. What qualities do they enact which I also need to develop? Then we feel deep appreciation, love and devotion. These feelings arise naturally from the heart. Then we’re at this deeper level that we were just talking about with the creative force. In the West, everything’s up in the brain, but the brain is just a very small part of our true being. We feel the more important levels of our consciousness much deeper within us — they’re in the heart rather than up in the brain. That’s what we need to develop and open up, because then, everything opens up.
What the brain can contribute, which is fantastic, is nonetheless very small and narrow compared with the heart awareness, which is vast, all-encompassing and connects us. This is very important — our heart awareness connects us with all living beings. Usually we feel so separate and isolated, which is our big problem and why people get so depressed. Opening up our heart is a way of connecting us with the whole of nature, with all living beings. So yes, devotion and faith are important. Work at it.
DGL: “In Buddhism, hope is often viewed as being about desire and attachment. Is there room for wise hope that we can engage in?”
JTP: Along with the hope that everything will go right comes the fear that everything will go wrong, which is in accordance with the ego’s ideas. We hope everything is going to go the way “I”, the ego, wants it to go. We worry and we have anxiety because we think it may not go the way the ego wants it to go. This hope and fear is based in wanting to make samsara more comfortable, which is a deluded hope because samsara, by its very nature, is not very comfortable. So we get trapped in endless hopes and fears.
Instead of hope and fear, which are the two sides of the same coin, we should have wise acceptance, and the ability to take whatever comes and make use of it on the path. If we can do that, then there’s no hope and fear in the ordinary sense of the ego planning. The ego is always planning. But the ego is deluded by its very nature. What does it know? Since hope and fear stem from the deluded ego, they make the mind restless and not at peace. Therefore, these ordinary hopes and fears are regarded as obstacles on the path.
However, aspiration is something else, and very necessary on the path. That might be called “wise hope”. We say, “May all beings be well and happy and free from suffering.” That’s a hope. We wish that we will be able to continue on the path, that we will meet with the right instruction when we need it, and so forth. These aspirations on the path are vital. So yes, there is wise hope too, and this is very important.
DGL: Two different people both asked about how to deal with the suicide of a loved one.
JTP: Obviously this is a very painful subject, and it’s an increasingly common problem. One hears about suicides, especially among young people, more and more. It’s a very tragic sign of our time that so many young people feel so completely despairing that they can’t even be bothered to live. Of course the impact is not just on the young people who have taken their lives and all their potential — those left behind feel so much guilt and helplessness. It’s like throwing a stone in a lake and then the ripples just spread out further and further and further.
First, we should accept that this suicide was not our fault. Drop the guilt. What use is the guilt? The suicide was brought about by many causes and conditions outside of our control. There’s no point in lacerating ourselves on top of our loss, endlessly scratching the wound to make it bleed more. Somehow that makes us feel better because we feel so guilty. That’s not the way to go. If we feel guilty, we need to look at that feeling of guilt. We need to sit and look at all the feelings we have with compassion towards ourselves. We need to practise Loving Kindness towards ourselves as well as towards others. We have to heal ourselves.
We can also contemplate that we are all the owners of our own karma and each of us has our own path to follow, through countless lifetimes. It’s not just this lifetime, but many lifetimes to come. What will happen next? We have to accept this terrible thing has happened. It happened. We didn’t want it. Who wanted it? But we have to accept. It happened. Things do happen that we don’t want, but that’s it.
When someone dies, especially if someone commits suicide (which indicates that they were in a disturbed state of mind at the time of death), it’s very good to have prayers done for the deceased, and also to make merit on their behalf and dedicate that merit to them. Sometimes, especially in India, if this happens I recommend that the parents or whoever is grieving could do a pilgrimage because that gets them moving, meeting others, going to inspiring places and making merit on behalf of the deceased to dedicate to them.
Samsara is difficult. This is what nowadays nobody wants to admit. Samsara is difficult and we have to accept this. It doesn’t always work the way we want it to work. It doesn’t. People don’t always do the things we would want them to do. They don’t. We have to accept that. Acceptance is the most important thing — to recognise that this happened, to accept it, and then to cultivate compassion for all concerned. And then, to go on and not get stuck in that one event which was the worst thing we could imagine. Let it go. It doesn’t help the one who died to keep holding on, and it doesn’t help ourselves either to get stuck in that one event. We have to clear it with our compassion, love and understanding; we have to let it go and carry on.
What else can we do?
DGL: Here’s quite a self-aware, honest question: “Even though my children are now adults, I still try to meddle in their lives. How can I give them all the help they need and care for them without invading their lives?”
JTP: Imagine a beautiful butterfly in the palm of your hand — a very fragile, but beautiful butterfly. We would hold it very gently, carefully and tenderly. If we clench our hand, saying, “Oh you’re such a beautiful butterfly, I’m going to protect you,” then we will kill the butterfly.
Honestly and truthfully, I think we do not even own ourselves. How can we think we own our children? In this life, this is their life — this is what we have to remember. You’re still carrying on with your life, but this is their life, it’s not your life. It’s their life, and they should be allowed to lead it how they feel is right for themselves. Therefore, let them dance their own dance; it might not be your dance, but it’s their dance. Give them the freedom and space to dance the way they need to. And rejoice with them, in whatever they come up with. Just let them go.
As the Buddha said, “Grasping and attachment is the cause of suffering.” It’s true. We think that if we grasp, we will feel secure. But actually, this grasping is the cause of insecurity because it doesn’t work. The way to feel secure is to open up and allow things just to manifest and be as they are without trying to endlessly interfere and make things go the way the ego would like them to go.
So laugh at the ego. When you see yourself grasping, just laugh at yourself in a kind way. Don’t laugh at yourself in a nasty way, but in a kind way just say:
Oh, here is my habitual grasping and meddling mind coming up again, but I’m not going to give in to you. I’m going to allow my children to be who they are and express themselves how they are. I’m going to rejoice in them, as they are, without trying to interfere.
Then, everybody’s happy. They’re happy, you’re happy, and you can join that dance. But you’re not trying to make them change their patterns. We’re all dancing together.
DGL: “What should our attitude toward our physical image be as a spiritual practitioner? In today’s society, I feel physical appearance is given way too much importance, which limits us. How can we detach ourselves from this obsession?”
JTP: Undoubtedly. This causes so much suffering because all these people, especially women, are judged by their appearance and judge themselves by their appearance. It’s very sad. The most important thing to remember is that the body is the guest house for our consciousness. This body is where the consciousness abides in this lifetime, but we are not the body; the only thing that we’ll take with us at the time of death is our consciousness, our mind.
We’re going to keep the room where we’re living clean and neat, but we have to remember that it’s only a guest house. We are going to have to leave it soon and find another hotel room. In other words, we appreciate our bodies and keep them healthy, clean and neat, but we remember that we are not the body.
We have a body, but it’s much more important to keep our mind clean, neat and healthy. We decorate our mind nicely with all the beautiful qualities of the heart — loving kindness, generosity and appreciation — because that’s where we actually live. We should cultivate the mind, don’t worry so much about the body. We appreciate how amazing the body is, and keep it clean and healthy, but we’re going to have to leave that aside. What will carry on is our consciousness, our mind. So what we need is to really pay attention to the mind; that’s what we’re taking with us. The body, however gorgeous it once was, we’re leaving behind.
So look at our mind and throw out the junk. Open the windows, clean it up, get space in there and make it beautiful, so that it’s a delight to dwell within our mind and heart, because that is where we live. Not in the body, but in the heart and the mind. So that’s where we have to pay attention.
We’re aiming for genuine joy, not physical beauty, which is going to change and decay anyway. Modern life is so superficial; it equates happiness with pleasure, which is a huge mistake. Happiness is an inner feeling of joy which arises when the mind is quiet, peaceful, and filled with love and compassion. Then genuine joy arises in the heart. That’s what we’re looking for.
We’re not aiming for physical beauty, which is going to change and decay anyway. If we don’t die young, we all get old. Physical beauty decreases. In the meantime, the mind should become more and more beautiful. Even as our body ages, the mind becomes more and more unified with the true Dharma, which is a clear, transparent awareness and loving kindness, shining within us. If you look at somebody’s eyes and they look dead, you know this is a very sad person, no matter how externally beautiful they may be. But if you look at the most outwardly decrepit looking being and their eyes are shining with joy and kindness, you see that person is so beautiful. That’s the point.
Real beauty is within. That’s what we’ve got to work at — cultivating a beautiful heart which gives joy to ourselves and to all others also. That’s what we have to think about. Respect and take care of the body, but don’t get obsessed with the body. Really appreciate how fantastic it is that we have such a wonderful mind. Let’s cultivate that.
DGL: “How can we reduce thoughts linked with attachment and desire and have contentment? How can we relax general agitation and a restless mind?”
JTP: What do you think? “Yes, there’s this technique, and you just practise it for half an hour and zap! We have no more attachment, no more agitation, everything’s calm and beautiful and we’re totally non-attached.” Practise.
We have to practise and practise and practise. It’s like learning any skill. If we want to master a musical instrument, painting, sport or any skill, we have to practise and practise and practise. What to speak of mastering the mind. It’s a long process. Sorry about that, but honestly and truthfully, it takes a lot of work because we’ve been habituated to being attached and full of desires, agitation and restlessness through lifetimes. This is the problem. These habits have not just arrived yesterday. We have carried these patterns with us lifetime after lifetime, and all through this lifetime, so they’re deeply rooted inside our psyche.
The Buddha said that although anger is karmically more negative, it’s relatively easy to remove because we don’t like anger. We feel uncomfortable with anger. People don’t like us if we’re angry. We would like not to be angry. We would like to be more peaceful and patient. That sounds really good. So we work at decreasing anger or cultivating the qualities that are needed to oppose anger.
But we like attachment and desire. We often think that fulfilling our desires is the route to happiness; if we could only have a very strong attachment to someone that we care for, this will make us happy. Therefore we are very much less motivated to work on attachment and desire.
Sometimes I tell this story from when I was in Lahaul, living in the cave:
Outside the cave was this level area, a kind of patio, made of hardened earth. When the snow melted or when it rained, it was very muddy. So I decided to lay down these flat stones. I carted all these flat stones down. But there were all these clusters of little pink flowers with yellow centres all around the area, and I thought I better pull those out first so that when I placed the flat stones on top of them they wouldn’t wobble.
I thought: I have to pull out these flowers. I tried grasping them and they wouldn’t come. So then I got a pickaxe and started digging down to get to their roots. I ended up digging up literally the whole patio because underneath were all these roots, some of them two or three centimetres thick. Although they appeared as just these clusters of innocent little flowers, their thick roots went deep underground, all intertwined.
I thought: This is just like attachment and desire. Outwardly, it looks very innocent, very sweet. We might think: What’s the problem? But the roots are very thick and tenacious, deep in our psyche, and not seen for what they are, so it’s very difficult. The Buddha said that the cause of dukkha, of suffering, is our attachment and desire. But we don’t believe it. Instead, we think it’s the cause for our happiness.
This is not an easy question. I can’t tell you, “Yes, just do this and then you’ll be fine.” “How to reduce thoughts linked with attachment and desire?” You’ve got to be joking!
But we can try. We can start. We can, for example, practise appreciation. Instead of focusing on what we don’t have, think of all that we do have. We can appreciate all our senses; we can see, we can hear, and we can think. How fantastic is that? What would it be like to be blind, deaf and so forth? We don’t appreciate what we have. We can appreciate our family and those who love us. We can appreciate the beauties of nature. Think about how rich and comfortable we are right now, compared with former ages — all the amenities we have, the nice plumbing, the comfortable chairs, the nice beds, the kind of clothes we wear — compared with previous ages, we’re so rich, even if in modern society we seem very modest. So be content. Practise being content and appreciating what we already have.
Then, practise Shamatha by being aware of the breath. Gradually, as we develop awareness, we can notice when thoughts of greed and desire arise; we can see them and let them go. Our senses tend to stick to things. Usually we either like or don’t like what we see, hear, taste and touch, leading to wanting or rejecting. Instead of this stickiness, we can practise an open awareness so that we’re not attaching and everything just slides off of us. Usually, it’s like our mind has all these little hooks and catches on things. So withdraw the hooks. Go back to the Teflon mind, this non-stick mind, allowing things to just arise and go. We see it, recognise what gives us pleasure or non-pleasure and we let go. We don’t catch on to it. It’s the catching on bit which is the problem. So don’t cling. Just be aware and relax.
To deal with this general agitation, or restlessness of the mind, we need to practise Shamatha to calm down and to cultivate our ability to be mindful and aware. It takes practice. Back to practise, practise, practise — throughout the day, as much as we can remember, we try to bring ourselves back into the present moment, into the mind and the body, and just see what’s going on there. Everything that we see, hear, taste and touch elicits this response of like and dislike. But if we recognise that, we can just drop it. We don’t get caught up in it. That’s the way to gradually work at reducing our grasping mind. When we can see the grasping mind, we can release it.
DGL: “I took the five lay precepts by myself, in front of my little altar, and I have never broken them over the years. I took other vows on my own in the same way. Are vows taken on my own in the presence of the buddhas and bodhisattvas valid? Are vows taken online valid?”
JTP: I would say, honestly and truthfully, such vows taken sincerely in front of all the buddhas and bodhisattvas are certainly valid. We do not need an actual preceptor present, although of course that’s best. It’s best to take them in front of a person. But if you can’t do that, then you can just visualise all the buddhas and bodhisattvas and take it in front of the shrine. That’s fine. It’s the mind’s acceptance of the precepts that is important. All the buddhas and bodhisattvas are rejoicing, so don’t worry about that. They’re all saying, “Yay, yeah, well done, well done! Daughter of good family.”
Therefore, vows taken online are also valid. His Holiness the Dalai Lama and other lamas nowadays are even giving empowerments online. Goodness. The important thing is our mind’s commitment. Sometimes people take vows in large audiences with the teacher; they’re just muttering meaningless syllables, not really understanding or knowing what they’re even promising. Is that valid? Maybe it’s better to be clear about what we’re committing to. We can take it in front of our shrine, imagining the buddhas and bodhisattvas present, really thinking about what we’re doing and what we’re saying. To my mind that’s more valid. That will plant deep seeds in our mindset and our mindstream for future lives that we will very quickly connect and have faith with the Buddhadharma.
The important thing is to plant these seeds in our mindstream, make the commitment, and then keep the commitment — and that’s what you’ve done. So from my point of view, I think that’s totally valid. But that’s only my view; you might ask somebody else and they would disagree. You could ask some khenpo or lama and they might say, “No, no, no, you must have a lama there.” I can’t say. But to my mind, what’s most important is our mental focus on what we’re saying and what we’re doing — that’s what really counts.
DGL: “What do you want us to remember that will carry us forward from your teachings?”
JTP: I think the most important thing we can remember is to cultivate loving awareness, to be kind and to recognise that our daily life is our opportunity for practice. Yes, we should have a time of formal practice when we sit, take refuge, arouse Bodhichitta and do whatever practice we’re doing; we do our formal practice that sets the tone for the day. But the most important thing is that we cultivate the ability to be conscious, present, aware and kind throughout the day. Daily life is our opportunity for cultivating all the Paramitas. For many of these Paramitas, like Ethics, Patience, Generosity and so forth, we need other people. Other people are not a hindrance to our practice. Other people are our practice.
Therefore, we need to transform our whole day into a beautiful merging of Dharma and daily life. Our daily life becomes our Dharma practice — that’s very important. We really need to wake up to become more conscious and more aware. We need to open our hearts with genuine caring kindness, remembering that all beings want happiness and nobody wants to suffer. The least we can do is not create more suffering for them, and as much as possible, make them feel just a little bit better by being kind, considerate and giving them a nice smile.
We also must not to take ourselves too seriously. We should smile at ourselves too.
DGL: Can you speak a little about how you think that humour is the seventh paramita, Jetsunma-la?
JTP: I think many Dharma practitioners, and spiritual practitioners in general, take themselves too seriously and become very tight. Also, sometimes people make the Dharma into an extra burden on top of everything else. My feeling is that the Dharma should lighten us up, not make everything more heavy and serious.
Sometimes I say that Dharma should be like yeast in the dough of life. We have this heavy dough that just sits there, pretty indigestible. We don’t throw the dough away though. We mix just a little bit of yeast into the dough. The yeast lightens everything up; the dough rises, and then we can put it in the oven and cook it. It comes out delicious and nourishing. The Dharma should make our lives lighter, more digestible and more nourishing. If it’s making us more tight, tense and stressed — Am I doing this right? Oh God, I got so angry just now, oh I’m hopeless! I’m such a useless human being. Obviously I’m going down straight to hell — then what’s the use?
The Buddha said this is the path of joy. He said even if this were not a path of joy, even if it was a path of suffering, it would still be worthwhile for the results. But it is not the path of suffering. It’s a path of joy! All the better. Then how much more should we wish to follow the path.
We have to look and see if our way of practicing the Dharma is lightening things up. See if we feel lighter, more relaxed, more spacious, more conscious and more kind. Maybe people are saying, “Actually, you’re much nicer nowadays. What are you doing?” Then you can think, maybe I’m on the right path. Maybe the Dharma is working.
DGL: Thank you so much, Jetsunma-la, for answering all these wonderful questions. Any final remarks for us?
JTP: I think we should be deeply grateful for the gift of the Dharma. As the Buddha said, of all the gifts in the world, the gift of Dharma is the greatest gift. So we must be deeply grateful to the Buddha and to all these subsequent masters who have passed this wonderful teaching down through the millennium to the present day.
I apologise for my shortcomings in expounding the Dharma; it is based on my very small amount of understanding. I’ve been in this a long time, that’s all I can say, and I know that Dharma works. I can’t think of anything more beautiful in the world than the gift of the Dharma. But we have to integrate it into our mindstream. We have to become the Dharma. When we can do that, then we will see that everything the Buddha promised us can indeed be fulfilled.
Every one of us can do this. Why? Because we have Buddha Nature. We already have it. It’s not like we have to get it from somewhere, or we have to develop it — we already have it. Our only problem is we don’t recognise it. So all we need to do is develop our inner awareness and recognise our true, beautiful nature, which is filled with compassion and wisdom, if only we could see it. It’s the sky behind the cloud.
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May All Beings Benefit
Sarva Mangalam